living Luke 14:26

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

Upon first reading this verse my thoughts are, "Wow, Jesus, that's some pretty harsh language you're using." I've heard many times from pastors and leaders that what Jesus means in this verse is that we are to love God more than our friends, families, etc; that it looks like hate to the world. So growing up I thought that applying this verse was just loving God the most. Okay. Done. Check. I love you, God. But now, as I'm going through deep struggles in Thailand I get it. Loving God, being obedient to God, sometimes really does look like hate in the eyes of the world. Sometimes when I'm overseas I forget that life still goes in the America. Dear friends who I have known for over a decade get married, and because I'm in Thailand, I won't be able to attend this joyous day in their lives, which could be perceived as a lack of love for them. Good friends are bringing life into the world, and my heart wants to be there for them, and rejoice with them, and throw showers for them. But I can't, it may look like I "hate" them because I'm not there. I love my family so much. So when I hear of how they are battling with sickness and disease, oh how I want to be there with them. And to think that it can look like hate that I'm not there, in their darkest hours is so painful. It's during times like these when I want to get mad at the Lord. Why is this going on? Why am I missing out? Why can I not be there? And it's when I am still in his presence when I am reminded of our Lord and Savior. He left His perfect home in Paradise, took on flesh, and lived among sinful men. Men who would spit on Him, curse Him, beat Him, and murder Him in the most horrific way possible. He allowed them to do those things, so that by His death we may have life. That is true sacrifice. That is why I am His disciple. No matter the cost. And the cost is much. But it comes nowhere near the cost He paid. So I dry my eyes over my loss, and I turn to the Sovereign King and trust Him to care for my family.
I trust Him to be their joy. I trust Him. 

I want to close with a song that has been very encouraging, and that just so happened to be playing as I wrote this. 

A Guatemalan Song

Throw back Sunday! Ok not really, I just have been procrastinating to write this blog. :-) But it's written now. So enjoy! 

While I was in Guatemala, I felt like the Lord was leading me to read through Psalms. So I did. While I was reading the poems of David (and other authors) it dawned on me that I hadn't written poetry in a while. Here's a little fact about me, I used to write poetry all the time. I have journals from when I was in middle school that only have poems written in them. So why had I stopped? Was I too busy to be still and just enjoy the presence of God? Feeling convicted, I started to write. I'll spare you the words I wrote down then. They were forced, and I was trying so hard to have the words rhyme and they didn't connect. It wasn't time yet. A couple of weeks went by, and we are having one of our last family times with our Casa Verde family. This time, I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to write these words:

There is hope in the darkness.
There is a light with in us.
We've got the Good News.
Let's go.

He wipes away every tear.
He casts away every fear.
What do we have to lose?
Let's go.

There are people that are hurting
There are people who need healing
all we have to do is choose
Let's go!

Little did I know that I was writing a song. The chorus came last:

To the nations we will go.
By fulfilling His mission we grow.
Give God the glory
For He alone is worthy.
Let's spread His fame
and glorify His name.

I almost choose to not go to Guatemala. I had a fear of missing out. Missing out on what? Well, the Revelation Series at church, and hanging out with my friends. Well, that's why we have podcasts and Skype. :-) The consequences of not going to Guatemala were greater. Those four months were a blessing, a gift from the Lord. I grew so much in my knowledge of him, and in wisdom. I learned how to "love the least of these" and to love those who are difficult to love.

And now, a few months later, as I am getting ready to go to Thailand, I'm asking myself, what do I have to lose? Yes, I will probably miss out on a few weddings, and graduations. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Why? Because God alone is worthy of the worship of every.single.being. This life is temporary, and I want it to have an eternal impact. That's why we go.

Relentless Love

I know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but I do. His name is Andress or Angel. He goes by both. When I first met him he was sitting all alone playing with a truck at the orphanage. I felt the Spirit telling me to be his friend, and so I pursued him. In only a few moments, I loved this little boy, like he was my own. So today when we arrived at the orphanage all these children ran to greet us. Kids were jumping into the arms of my teammates and my eyes were searching for Andress. I finally saw him and went to embrace him and he ran away. I thought, oh he wants to play. So I ran up to him and tickled him and he would get upset and walk away. Oh the pain in my heart! It was breaking. The I heard the Lord remind me that I am the same way. How often does He come to embrace me and I choose to go the other way.  Later on I saw him sitting with one of the guys and playing trucks with another boy his age. Andress was searching for love and attention from my friend. I wouldn't say that my friend was ignoring him, but he wasn't giving him the attention I would. I even saw Andress put a marble in his mouth, and he didn't stop him. I wanted to cry out, don't you see I love you, I want the best for you. You will always have my attention. The Lord again spoke to me, you spend your time chasing other idols, why won't you spend time with me? You waste your time doing things that will eventually do more harm them good. Why do you not enjoy your time with me. I ultimately satisfy. Finally, it was time for us to leave and I wanted to tell him goodbye. He covered his face, like he was hiding from me, and as soon as I could embrace him he ran. The Lord once again reminded me, stop running from your sin, my child. You can not run. Hidding from your sin is no laughing matter, it is not a game.

I left ministry really saddened that afternoon, but oh so grateful for what the Lord had taught me. I left ministry with these lyrics running through my mind:

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure    

I think my love for Andress is deep, but the love of God is so much deeper. I chose to love Andress. Just like the Lord has chosen me. Just like Andress has run from me, I too have run from the Lord. Just like I was jealous when Andress choose to love someone else, the Lord is jealous when I love the things of this world. Oh how grateful I am that His love is relentless and that it will never give up on me.

Innocence Restored

While driving to Georgia for training camp a short 2 months ago, my mother asked me, "What do you want to get out of this trip?" My only response was restoration. I wanted to see restoration in my girls and in Thailand. 

One of my favorite songs that we sing during worship is a song called "Zerubbabel"  by Rick Pino. The lyrics are pretty simple, and repetitive, but oh so deep and prophetic. The words, "When I'm with my Daddy, my innocence is restored" are repeated throughout the song. Little did I know just how prophetic that song would be as it would be the theme for the next few nights of bar ministry.

While walking down Bangla I saw a father walking through the street with his two daughters. One of the girls was bawling. I can only assume it was because of what she was seeing on Bangla. It would be very overwhelming and frightening to a young child. It's very loud and there are so many people. Instead of getting angry at her father, I prayed that she would feel her Heavenly Father's arms around her, protecting her.

Then when we walked back to the mall and waited for the other teams to get back, a young girl approached us. She was probably around 7 or 8 and came up to me and put this flower necklace around my neck and kissed my cheeks and then asked for 100 baht. I told her that I couldn't buy her flowers and tried to put them around her neck. She took them back and angrily walked away.  My heart instantly broke for her. She has to work and sell these flowers before she can go home. But the profits do not go to her, they go to either her parents or her owner. As she walked away I heard the Lord whisper to me, " I am going to restore her innocence." Her childhood has been taken away from her, and she is growing up way to fast. All I could do was pray that He would protect her.

The next night that I went out, we went to visit one of my friends. We played jenga and had so much fun. I noticed that several people had written on the jenga pieces. Words like "Beautiful Creation" "Jesus is real" and "Jesus Loves You" as well as various names had been written on the jenga pieces. I knew the Lord was prompting me to write something on a jenga piece. I had no idea what to write until it hit me, "Innocence Restored" so that exactly what I did. I asked my friend if I could write on the jenga piece and she handed me a marker.




The Lord has been so faithful. I have seen Him restore the innocence in my team and He is restoring the innocence of all those on Bangla Road.

I Am a Prostitute?

I have been reading the book of Hosea, and I would like to share with you a little of what the Lord has been teaching me. For those of you who are not familiar with Hosea here is a very brief background on the book. Hosea was a prophet. The first Word Hosea had from the Lord was to marry a prostitute, and to have a family with her. Their marriage would be a way that the Lord would use to communicate to the Israelites how He saw their relationship.

First, the Lord has shown me just how deceitful and whorish my heart really is. Let's just take a look at some verses from chapter two:"Plead with your mother, plead-for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband- that she put away her whoring from her face...For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil, and my drink'... She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now'" (vs 2a, 5b). The Lord was asking Hosea to plead with the Israelites to turn from their "lovers" and return to Him. The Lord was to be their husband and they were committing adultery with the things of this world. I remember in college thinking that the Israelites were so very dumb. I mean, the God of the universe had proven faithful so many times and they had seen His miracles first hand, and yet they were so prone to wonder from Him. Then I read vs. 5 and I realized I am just as dumb as they are. How many times have I put my comfort in my job knowing that from it I could provide bread and water for my sustenance, when I have seen how the Lord has provided when I had no job? How many times have I checked my bank account only to be anxious or relieved, when my Husband owns everything, and has already "blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the Heavenly realms" (Ephesians 1:3)? Lately, I have been so lost yearning for a relationship that I have neglected to spend time with the One that my soul was created for. Oh Lord, I repent for not trusting in You, for worrying over trivial matters when You are the Sovereign God over all things. Lord, forgive my forgetfulness and I thank you that You are drawing me back to You. I am so thankful that You have not allowed my lovers to overtake me, but that You have. Thank you for not letting go and giving up on me. Thank you that you take me back, that You have allowed me to see the error of my ways.

Secondly, the Lord has taught me exactly how much my sin cost him. In chapter three of Hosea we find out that Gomer, Hosea's wife, went back to work in prostitution. So he went and "bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a lethech of barley" (vs. 2). What does that mean? It cost Hosea 5.82 ounces of silver and 330 liters of barley. The fact that he had to use to different currencies shows us just how dearly it cost him to buy her back. It was not cheap for Hosea to buy back his wife. Being a prophet wasn't exactly the highest paid job in the B.C. days.  Now, Hosea buying Gomer back was just a picture of what the Lord would do for His people. He would buy them back at great price—at the cost of the blood of His Son. Whoa.

(to be continued)