The last few weeks have been some of the darkest weeks of my life. I have felt very much alone, even though I've been surrounded by people. I have had to fight, fight the hardest I have ever had to fight in my life to keep my thoughts glorifying to Christ. I can't iterate enough how hard, dark, and alone I have felt.
Then on one of the last nights on Bangla we were walking down the street and I heard this very familiar song coming out from the bars. I was flashed back to middle school with these lyrics from the Backstreet Boys:
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I cant be there where you are
Theres something missing in my heart
Theres nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body and soul
Usually the bars are filled with LOUD, dance music; not a soft ballad, but this song couldn't be more appropriate. The bars on Bangla are filled with very lonely people; whether it's the men looking for company, or the girls looking to find a husband. They are lonely and I was lonely. But you see I hold the answer to being lonely...Jesus.
Even though I felt alone, and just when I was about to give up, I would hear His soft sweet voice whisper to me, "You're not alone." I was reminded how when Jesus was betrayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, and when Peter denied Him, and the disciples fled. How on the cross, Christ cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" If anyone knows loneliness it's Christ and He comforted me like no one else could. When I was longing for someone to embrace me and just hold me to let me feel that everything would be okay, I would feel His presence and His peace and His warmth.
It wasn't until last night when I was talking with one of my good friends that I learned why God was allowing me walk through this. Sometimes we seek people to fill the void, the void that only He is meant to fill. Alcohol, sex, drugs, relationships, movies, napping, all the ways of escaping, they won't fill that void. You will eventually sober up and remember what you were trying to forget. The climax will come and go. The high will pass. The movie will eventually end, and you will have to come back to reality. And you will wake up from the nap and the issues will still be there. What I learned is that sometimes the Lord has to take everything away so that we will realize He is everything. Which reminds me of these lyrics by Lifehouse that we sang during worship:
Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
He is everything, and if He has to strip me of the things I hold most for me to realize that so be it; because He will be strength and He will be with me.
